Prayerful Hoping–Please God Hear My Plea

 

I find myself in recent days sinking into one of those dark places deep inside.  These are places I run to when pain and stress overwhelms me with the feelings of being closed in, trapped.   I know in my  mind these feelings emerge from places rooted in my childhood experiences of being abused and witnessing the abuse of my mother and being abused by her as well. 

A vicious, painful, cycle with no end, therefore the feeling of being trapped with no hope.  Those are the feelings of a small child being abused and living as witness to violence in the home.  A home that should be, is supposed to be sacred and safe. 

So now when my safety is challenged; or a loved one hurt; I react from these wounded and deeply scared places in my soul.  I know in my head when these things are happening.  I actually see and feel myself responding, retreating and yes striking out defensively and with anger drenched in pain.  I know this sounds crazy to some of you, and that is ok, that is where you are today.  This is where I am today and I am struggling to, as they say, give this over to Jesus.

I am racked with anger every time I hear the statement, “just give it to Jesus”.  This is not like something tangible like a rake or a coat that I can just give away.  It does not work that way, sounds good, but ever so hurtful to say that to someone walking on this path as I walk.

I am convinced that this is intended to be a solitary journey.  A journey of loneliness of thought.  Alone with the Holy Spirit working deep inside my soul to mine the ugliness, the nastiness buried deep inside, like a cancer with thousands of minute tentacles reaching throughout my soul. 

The extraction can only be done by the skilled patient hands of the Holy Spirit, as the hands of the most skilled neurosurgeon dissects and removes the tiniest of tumors during brain surgery.  The Holy Spirit’s process is slow, but it is indeed in Kairos Time, God’s Time.  So for us, for me, it does seem like an eternity passes before anything changes.  Yet, it is in the blink of an eye.

What God does, and I see this everyday when I pay attention, is offer fresh new opportunities for me to be loved.  Yes that is what I said, “for ME to be loved!”  Not for me to “be a good disciple” but “for me to BE LOVED”. 

In my studies of abuse and the abused, what stands out in my mind now is that folks like me find it very difficult to “be loved”. We believe we don’t deserve it, that we are some how at fault, living in guilt and shame. So yes, God creates new opportunities everyday for me to “BE loved”. 

I know this, and I am working on owning this way of life. For I know that if I can accept God’s love on God’s terms letting his love wash over me, fill me, comfort me then I will be able to love God and thereby love my neighbor.

I pray and ask for your prayers for me and for those who are in similar circumstances as I, that God will heal and guide us towards the fullness of life he desires for us as his beloved children of God.

Moreover still,  pray that we might find his peace in his perfect love and that his love will shape and form us into vessels willingly and faithfully filled with the newest of new wine, the love of God, ready to be poured out upon all who thirst and are in pain!

Thanks be to God for taking time to read this lamentation and prayer! 

May God’s Peace Be With You Always!